I read the Blinkist summary (35% off here) of Loving Bravely (Alexandra H. Solomon PhD, 2017) . Here are my notes.
- To find the right partner, start from knowing yourself better, from being self-aware. Most of your relationships habits were shaped when you were still living with your parents, and are a “reaction” to the way you were brought up. Identify your fears and needs in order to overcome them.
- We all tell ourselves stories, whether we realize it or not. These “mental” stories have characters and settings, as in the real stories. The problem is that sometimes these stories we tell ourselves aren’t entirely true, and, as a results they do us more harm than good. We tend to see everything as either black or white, but most often than not reality is more nuanced. If we apply this “black and white” approach to our relationships, we end up jumping to conclusions and tend not to give others the “benefit of the doubt”. Being so blunt doesn’t help anyone. It fosters conflict. Instead, everything is constantly changing, we change, other people change, our environment change. Therefore it’s necessary to be more flexible and understanding and react more calmly to what happens around us.
- Love is not all romance and passion like in a Hollywood movie. It’s also work, compromise and sometimes boredom. Don’t expect it o be all picture-perfect.
- No partner will completely fulfill all of your needs all of the time. People who believe there is a perfect match for them, a soulmate. are more likely to be disappointed and dissatisfied in their relationships. No matter how good your match, you still have to be prepared to put in the effort in order to make the journey work. How do you know whether you have found the right match for you? Follow your gut instinct and how you feel around your partner. You’ll probably have many things in common, but certainly not everything.
- Apologize when you did something wrong. The apology should be sincere, specific and make you accountable. Equally important is accepting an apology. Forgiving someone means that you are willing to move on. It means that you don’t want to carry a grudge, because you want to enjoy your relationship.
- Be fully present, as well as fully open. Be emotionally available and empathetic with your partner. Be also fully open and share your own thoughts and feelings. Don’t shut your partner out when they try to be closer.